I'm not touching anything that god didn't make
How exactly did he write that comment without touching a keyboard?
Perhaps he dictated it. While nude. And outside.
In general, I wonder whether in-vitro meat will be kosher / halal.
If you count in-vitro meat as a land animal/bird/seafood depending on what you made it from, only the birds would be kosher. There's a list of birds that aren't, and it seems unlikely any of them are in-vitro meat. Then again, there are a few where we don't know what it's the name of anymore, and if it was in-vitro meat, that would explain why. Land animals have to have cloven hooves and chew their cud. Seafood has to have fins and scales. If you count in-vitro meat as a life-form of its own, there's no prohibition, so it's all good.
The impression I've got of kosher from speaking to sceptical Jews is that it's basically a moneymaking scheme.
Of course it's a moneymaking scheme. That's how capitalism works. You don't get something done by asking someone to do it out of the goodness of their heart. You get it done by offering them money.